Yesterday, Today, domani.IO.NOI. Stasera ho voglia di fare quel "giochino" che circolava poco tempo fa fra alcuni dei vostri blog..cercherò di percorrere anno dopo anno la mia vita provando a ricordare i momenti più significativi.
-1: marzo 1986 nasce mio fratello E.
1: settembre 1987 Nasco io. Mia mamma is young: 22 years. She fell in love and not think about 2 times despite the pressures of his parents .. he married and puts us in the world. We live in a nice apartment and everything seems go for the best.
2.3: I remember the blue room with clouds painted on the walls from the father.
A Noah's Ark built together.
My crib with bars that I can climb with great skill .
toy soldiers and marbles.
Chick : my favorite doll: I love crawling tissue between the thumb and index finger and suck in the meantime.
pippi long stockings: a rag doll that I loved but which I never did it to give it to poor children. I want them happy because they know that they are less fortunate.
My brother it combines all the colors: the garbage bag launched through the window panes on the spray for sausages, car keys in the bin. But .. She hugs me tightly and I shake his round cheeks. I remember that I asked my mom: "WHAT DOES IT MEAN YOU HATE?", She said that was not a bad thing to say, I did not understand and told my brother: "I hate you." He reported it to my mom.
remember bathing naked in a blue bowl. Already felt embarrassed but I do not know why.
4: Asylum: the teacher I love her and I love the "kitchen" where everything seems real fake. I remember when we had to choose the dress carnival. I remember the album of drawings and I must remember to look for him because I'll be there. I remember the camp where there was a nap .. everyone was asleep but I wanted to stay awake as the teacher. I remember that during a fishing wanted it so much that little packet of candy colored and just what happened to me!
still do not understand me but ....
... the situation is changing family.
My mom discovered that my father is not the man who thought he had married. Is not responsible. Combine mess up mess. There's fraud, debts. Every purchase intenstato to my mother without her knowledge. Trouble on trouble.
the situation worsened.
Intervergono my grandparents to help pay off debts. One day my father left for Morocco for one of his business probably taking with it my brother. They come home after I do not know how many days. My mother is so scared but everything is fine. My brother remembers that the bar to order the orange juice was said "jus d'orange." I am angry because they did not bring me too. I still remember the sound of the telephone: it was they who had returned. I answered and said, "I ate a piece of chocolate GREAT YOU AND U.S.." then ran under the bed. My dad found me right away.
the situation is worsening day by day.
Lui non cambia,
lui non sa fare il padre.
Ce ne andiamo in un paesino non molto distante.
Noi 3 .
Un mini appartamento che il mio bisnonno aveva e che diventerà la nostra casa. Ricordo ancora la prima volta che entrammo. Tutti i miei pupazzi erano già stati sistemati nel letto, allineati..
e l'orso dalle lunghe orecchie mi fissava, sembrava volesse tranquillizzarmi. Ci riuscì.
Un'unica camera, un lettone e una brandina;una scrivania e un armadio. Una piccola cucina dove c'era anche un divano rosso. Un bagno. Un lungo corridoio che ben presto diventò la camera del mio anziano prozio fratello di mio babbo. Nessuno si volle occupare di lui. Lo fece mia mamma. Parlava solo dialetto romagnolo ma era il nostro migliore compagno di giochi.
I nostri nonni invece eran persone colte, istruite, benestanti ma io a casa mia non li vidi mai. Ogni tanto però andavamo a fargli visita..in quella grande casa di campagna. Non ricordo scene di affetto. Mio nonno silenzioso, cupo.mi faceva un po' paura. Mia nonna no..ma non mi stava tanto simpatica perche mi costringeva a mettermi quelle gonne che io odiavo, quelle calze che non sopportavo. Però mi faceva il bagnetto e mi piaceva l'odore di bucato delle lenzuola. Sia io che mio fratello non abbiamo sviluppato un legame di attaccamento nei loro confronti e si è formata gradualmente una sensazione di disagio. Quando eravamo da loro non vedevamo l'ora che arrivasse la mamma..nostro unico punto di riferimento.
La nostra chiocca e noi i pulcini: la seguivamo O V U N Q U E.
5: Avendo cambiato paese cambiamo asilo e andiamo dalle suore: alcune sono buone altre severe..rincorrono le galline e danno le sculacciate se chiacchieri nell'ora del riposino. There is also a master, however, the Franca .. .. adorable.
6: Elementary: I am the only one with the blue folder of snoopy . I am ashamed a bit 'cause everyone else has a backpack.
are a child silent. do not trust. I'm a bit 'on the sidelines and do not understand all that noise. I like the teachers.
7.8: begin to bond with some male companions, with whom the games of fantasy, adventure, dinosaurs, lego .. afternoons at home or Outdoor to fantasize. The world of girls do not belong to me. I loved games and dress like a boy boy. Sweaters, slacks, her hair bobbed. I open myself temperamentally ..
become expansive, I love to run, play rubabandiera, scrape your knee.
The youth games: playing to win, I felt that nothing was impossible and it always wins.
I suffer for my father.
I miss .
The court states that we may see it every 15 days. He calls me, says that comes to visit.
does not keep promises.
cry cry cry.
One day he kept his promise but the day is transformed into a nightmare when we were in the bar downstairs and got drunk. I just remember his sentences meaningless and chairs flying.
I did not understand.
I liked him well yet.
At school I remember a thousand episodes of embarrassment
"What job does your father?" .. I invented the
"How many rooms do you have?" I invent them. I felt profoundly different
around and tried at all costs to hide everything. Log
a significant person in our lives: A.
He separated with two children almost our peers.
9, 10: A period of calm I think. My mother finally had a shoulder in a strong guide us more. I remember the trip in a motorhome, the days in a tent .. the lessons he gave me. But all this ended.
They parted. Go ahead
us 3 with our forces.
11.12: coming years averages. They are no longer in class with my male buddies. Start a tie with the female. The notes in class and the first few sentences in your journal. I liked the school. I'm still a tomboy.
12: the first kiss. Belgian cousin of my classmate. I also have photos of that time taken by herself. Then he left. I wrote him a letter but never responded. I cried so much .. even in the classroom.
13: Apart from the episode above the years of average spend peacefully. Although my father I miss again and I still hope in his "arrival".
comes the choice of high school. The teachers I recommend the school. I do not know what to do .. I trust the advice of my grandfather: I choose Accounting. I will regret bitterly.
14: I'ma good girl but unleashed. I want to go out, meet people. They are naive and go out with older kids .. no one takes advantage of: I'm lucky.
I tell my mom that I go under the streets .. in fact I moved away and continued naively to trust the older boys. Escape few kisses, some story that I'll regret .. a long list of plants. Also beginning to hear Gigi D'Alessio and I despair every time that my far-fetched stories are not successful. Perhaps all those older kids tried only my father.
15: My first true love: T.
him, my first crush, my first love affair .
16: I love him and I want to be with him for a lifetime. For the first time I make love with him. It was not very nice, but I felt really in love and happy in his arms. But pity that he left me.
Tragedy. Tears, tears, tears.
I rushed the stage, but growing, becomes stronger.
17: the 2nd guy: A. is a good guy, easy. I think being in love. Basically I'm fine and I feel protected. Then I discover that this is not love but only one more in need of protection. I leave it. I feel bad but it was the right thing.
18: I still remember the excitement. The black skirt, canotierina the blue. Within takes the cake in the bakery and I had ordered. very good. Restaurant to celebrate with all my friends, is a nice birthday. Giulia .. there is every birthday.
Less nice is the last school year. I do not like my friends, is flat and small groups of people wrong. I do not like even the teachers do not understand economics and business. I love so much writing, the themes. But I can not stand the teacher. It was during the time of Italian one day .. I feel bad chills, dizziness, tachycardia ..
panic attack!
the first, very strong. I can leave the courtroom. None of my "friends" comes out with me. Not even the professor. The only girl who comes out to ask how I am is the V: The only one that I never imagined.
I'm afraid.
I do not want to go to school but I try because I will not spend even just a year older in school. I can finish high school and always promoted with a fair vote but did not bring with me some great memories. I want to change all the road. I want to continue studying but what I love. Do not want to end up in an office.
19: in a summer evening, with my friend G., al mare.. sedute su una panchina..conosco F .
Nasce un'amicizia e presto diventa il mio ragazzo. Scegliamo come data ufficiale il 31 agosto . E' il 31 agosto di 3 giorni fa abbiamo festeggiato 4 anni. A dire il vero non abbiamo festeggiato. Ma lui è ancora qui, al mio fianco.
Siamo giovani ma desiderosi di vivere una storia.
Siamo innamorati.
Lui è un ragazzo maturo per la sua età, bravo, studioso, ordinato e anche bravo a cucinare:). Si prende "cura" sempre di me. é carino con me. Però litighiamo spesso. Io pretendo troppo. Voglio essere ascoltata, capita, ascoltata, capita.
Mio padre I miss yet.
20: if I remember is the year of seasonal work. I work for 3 months at sea as committed by a photographer. A nightmare. Plant up crying. But I learn to deal with people and finding out that I like very much. I did not even put a day and the boss is an asshole.
begin the first stomach.
After the summer I finally enrolled at the university of Education Sciences. Inidirizzo choose the "Educator's nest." I want to study subjects that fascinate me .. psychology, pedagogy ... finally entered the world that belongs to me and to leave number is calculated my shoulders. The calculator does not just belong to me.
I and F. celebrate our 20 years together .
21: been years since I have a beautiful person by my side and I finally got a better idea. But the serenity is not complete. The torment of the father with me. The quarrels with my mother and my brother are frequent. Often I would run away . I feel
different from my peers. I do not like most birthday celebrations, I do not like discos. I love to read and be alone with myself.
do not have many friends.
I can not stay on the premises too crowded, I can not eat in places affollatti. I can not quietly follow the lessons in the classrooms crowded. I feel observed, judged, misunderstood , a fish out of water. They are anxious, insecure, fragile but strong at the same time.
I need a reference point. I miss .
My mother loves us but I feel his weakness. My grandparents love us, but they are absent.
It shows up but not because my father has changed. Indeed. My uncle is incapable of discernment, and he wants to take advantage. Not conceive of a thing. I'm going to stop him in the stands. Mi preparo il discorso poi però scoppio in lacrime davanti al giudice. Il giudice però capì. Mi diede ragione. Due minuti prima di entrare nell'aula mio padre mi parlò come se niente fosse. All'interno dell'aula si è mostrato per quello che era. Mi ha annientata con le sue parole crudeli e false.
Uscìì dal tribunale disperata e tremante. Lui accese la sigaretta e con aria d' indifferenza mi disse: "ciao". Io le fissai dritto negli occhi e gli dissi:" mi fai schifo." . Lui se ne andò. Io me ne andai piangendo con F. al mio fianco.
Un'altra persona faceva parte della mia vita: E. la mia psicologa.
Con lei potei sfogarmi e parlare di quell'episodio. Con lei inizia a tirare fuori l'anima e la rabbia .
In lei ho trovato un nuovo punto di riferimento. Una persona capace di Ascoltare, di comprendere. Tutt'ora mi appoggia. Peccato che sia a pagamento.
22: un compleanno con amici che poi non si riveleranno tali. Non stavo bene con loro, indossavo anche con loro una maschera. Alla fine ho deciso di essere sincera con loro, li ho persi. Ma non mi mancano .
Il mio ragazzo parte per Londra. Ricevo le sue lettere e lo sento vicino vicino. Mi manca. Il tempo vola, torna.
Il tempo passa in fretta e solite routine. House, study, exams. I like the subjects I study. But I also enjoy reading on my own even if they do not always do. Tiziano Terzani gives me courage and I find great lines in his truth, so hard. Rather than try another book where you can find me. I do the same thing with the songs. Listening Marco Masini, which is not as sad as they say around. Indeed. Gives me strength in times not.
keep trying myself
I feel I do not have a definite personality.
appearance may change depending on people I'm facing .
For fear of pleasure. Unconsciously . I'm "working" on myself, I try to question me, never to arrive at certain and definitive answers,
complicating vivo.
I have no certainties.
I errors.
A month ago I took a train. was a ' alibi, an excuse, a way to find
a part of me that I choked .
I did suffer F. and I have suffered.
I have no security and maybe that will not let me how I should behave with the people I have on my side. I am terribly sorry if I appear and if they are inconsistent. If you are not the Michael that others expect.
But now I am so.
Tomorrow is not known.
